Dear God

Hi. Its been awhile. I feel like we haven't talked in ages and I'm not sure why.  I've been busy, but you know that. I'm sure you're busy as well, maintaining the universe and all of that, i'm sure its quite time consuming. I'm looking for something right now. Something is missing from my life. I'm kind of afraid to find it to be honest. I've spent so much of my life running that its hard to slow down and just let things happen to me. I have allowed myself to be told how things are going to be and I don't want to do that anymore. I controlled the situation by giving up control when it came to the most basic parts of me. I don't want to control the situation anymore. I want to let you work through me, i want to know you. But sometimes i'm not so sure I know where you are, who you are. I'm not sure how to find you. Are you lost, or am I?

I am in the process of changing my life and I'm scared. I feel really alone most of the time. I am realizing more and more that the life I thought I had never really existed. I don't know if it was a lie or if it was just wishful thinking. Or are those things really one in the same? I want to ask you for help but I don't know how. I'm usually the one helping. I don't do vulnerable very well. When I start to feel vulnerable, or out of control, i go numb. When i go numb, i look for something to make me remember that I am real and alive. This isn't what you want for me is it? I have this feeling that you want me to present in my life. That you want me to live every day for you in some way. i don't know how to do that yet but I want you to know that I'm looking and I'm trying.

I've made mistakes, I've lived a life that wasn't mine for too long. I'm working on that too. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to make changes that help me live the life you meant for me. Again, i'm not sure how to do that yet. But i'm working on that too. I am going to go ahead and thank you though. Thank you for giving me this chance to change my life. Thank you for my little daughter, so pink and perfectly flawed. So much like me in so many ways, so strong. Thank you for my village, those people that for no reason but that they love us are there every day helping me find truth. Taking away a little of the burden just by being there. Thank you for Steve, despite the trouble he has caused me and that I have caused him. He gave me this little person and showed me that I am so much stronger than i could ever give myself credit for. By checking out, he has allowed me to see the world again and know what it is I don't want in my life. I hope he tries to write you a letter sometime soon too. Thank you for your grace. For extending your hand so that I know you are there when I'm ready to take it.

I know its been awhile but I promise that i'll be checking in regularly from now on. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring, but I do know that i'm ready to find you. To be re-introduced to you. So thats something.  I'm thinking this is going to be a process. Its going to be difficult and painful and cathartic. In a way, i'm looking forward to it, in another way, i'm terrified.

I'm heading to bed, but i just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going. I'll write again soon.

Scincerly,

Amy