It Begins...*forboding music*

I think I mentioned this on Friday briefly in the weekly re-cap, but when I went to the doctor last week for my tendonitis, I was given a startiling realization when the nurse took my weight. I am offically 6lbs away from the weight I always privately said I would never get to.

I have always been over weight, my mother, sisters, grandmother, father; all of us, have always been over weight. We are a family of eaters. We eat to celebrate, we eat to mourn, we eat just to eat, then we watch TV, so it really wasn't expecting a svelt 150 to appear to on the scale, but I was unprepared for the number that appeared in front of me. Oh the shame.

My nurse luckily was very kind and said nothing, knowing that I was there for an L&I claim and not seeing the point in getting into the weight issue at the moment.

Had I been seeing my obstetrician however, things would have been very different. When I was pregnant every visit was a constant barrage of thinly veiled jabs at my weight. "Oh my its so hard to see the baby when the mothers abdomen is as dense as yours" yeah...thats doctor for fat.

Anyways, so this startling realization made a dramatic impact of me. I had always said to myself, "yes, I'm overweight, but I'm not THAT overweight, I mean, its not like I weigh Xlbs or anything!" and now I almost do. So its diets for this family!

I was realizing that my family was starting to get on the "crap food and inactivity" wagon too and I just don't want Lily to go through what I've gone through, what my sisters and mother and father etc. have gone through because of our weight, and its so much eaiser to start the good habits at this age than to try and curb them when she's older and more sneaky.

The plan is to change the way we eat, what we do, and how we look at food. Food is no longer a reward, food is for fuel and nothing more. Sister and I started going to the gym again last night, look for many hilarious stories of me trying to navigate an eliptical or cross trainer, and I bought a big ass bag of bone less skinless chicken breasts and frozen vegetables, the staples of healthy eating.

I imagine i will be blogging about this alot, especially since this is going to be a BIG change for Lily who is used to noodley side dishes, cheesey everything, and eating the blossoms and leaving the greens. Luckily, the husband is supportive, which suprised me.

The best thing about all of this though? When I told husband that I had gotten so near to the suicide weight, guess what he said?

"Really? I didn't even notice, you look just as beautiful as ever."

sweet man. smart man.

Mmmmm.....Memories.....drool

I am eating an English muffin, smeared in peanut butter and jelly with cheese on top right now. While this is a delicious taste treat on it own, I am finding that the taste combination of warm sourdough English muffins, and melting peanut butter is satisfying more than my hunger, it is invoking in my mind a memory of my father from a day long gone by. A memory of Sunday mornings in the trailer, or even a side dish to any night’s dinner, he ate peanut butter and cheese english muffins all the time.

There is something so evocative about food, so comforting. Certain tastes and smells linger in your mind, unnoticed, until they raise their heads again, unexpectedly, dragging you back through time and space, to the last place you sampled that particular dish, or to the person that it reminds you of. I picture that scene near the end of Ratatouille, where the mean crusty critic is given a dish of Ratatouille, and with one bite, you are pulled into this visual vortex, showing him, as a young, sad boy, snuggling his mother while she comforts him with a bowl of the same dish, and dries his tears. That scene always gets me.

Eating my memory filled english muffin I can help but ruminate on other dishes that evoke those same feelings of comfort in me. Eggs and sausage, heavily peppered and pop tarts smeared with butter, remind me of sleeping over at my Grandmother’s house before she passed away. I would always awaken late on a Saturday morning with that scent of pepper and greasy sausage hanging heavy in the air, tickling my nose and tempting me toward the kitchen. There she would have eggs, sausage, pop tarts (usually strawberry) orange juice, and grandpa’s favorite, strawberry milk, waiting for me. Food was like a hug from her, she wasn’t always the warmest Grandmother, we have often guessed that she had depressive episodes, but her food was so full of love and nurturing that just smelling it was like hearing her say “I love you.”

Cottage Cheese with Johnny’s seasoning salt, smoked salmon, fresh shrimp and oysters, along with my delicious muffins remind me of my dad, and anytime I start to miss him, I can summon his spirit with any of these foods. I have trouble writing about my dad, it was a lot easier for me before he passed away, but now, anytime I try to write about him, or my experiences with his death, I get stuck, the feelings and memories stick in my throat like tears you are trying to suppress. But, while I struggle to find him in my words, I can always find him in those foods.

Lasagna, chicken Dijon, and macaroni with tuna and mixed vegetables always remind me of my mom. Those dishes take me back to a much simpler time, when my whole family was here, young, healthy and had only relatively simple problems from day to day. She would make these simple, not incredibly healthy, but very delicious meals to feed not only our family, but all the other people we would invariably have hanging around on a day to day basis.

Hot tea with milk and sugar reminds me of Shelli, anything from Denny’s reminds me of Amy, top ramen reminds me of Meghan, tang and tequila reminds me of Andy, the list could go on and on. Its pretty easy to see why I am around 50 to 100 lbs over weight. Its hard to feel bad about the extra weight when I think of what food can do for my mood, my memory, and my soul.

Suggestion to all of you in blog land: make a dish this week that sings to you, that evokes fond memories. Post the recipe and the story behind it on your blog, or face book as a note, and tag me back, we can swap! I’ll post one later this week.

Happy eating!