Some of the most glaring, and for some reason, personally insulting to many of my friends and loved ones, ways that I have apparently been living in a bomb shelter, is my lack of exposure to classic movies. i don't know who to blame for this. It could be that my parents were just not really movie buffs. Though, my dad and I did watch a lot of fantastic mafia movies and cowboy flicks. It just seems that for some reason, I was never exposed to what most of the world deems influential cinema of the 20th century.
Some examples:
Indiana Jones (any of them)
Braveheart
Dances with Wolves
None of the Superman movies
None of the Terminators
I haven't made it through a single Lord of the Rings movie
Rambo
Rocky
pretty much anything staring Stallone really
and the coupe de gras...the one that nearly gets me dumped every time Boss is reminded of it, I haven't seen even a single one, of the original trilogy. yes. THE trilogy. We won't even get into how through a travesty of friendship failings I have still managed to avoid seeing these movies and get to the actual point of this blog post.
Along with all of these other iconic films, I also managed to go my entire life without having seen a single slasher flick. Unless you count Army of Darkness and Evil Dead parts 1 and 2, because I did finally get to see those about two years ago. Throughout the last six months since Boss has been living here, it has been his personal mission to make me less lame in the movie department. He has taken it upon himself to expose me to the Indian Joneses, Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner's finest inspirational speeches, and we are working our way up to sci fi any day now. So in keeping with his mission I have now been shown the first two of the apparently 10 Friday the 13th slasher flicks and the first two Nightmare on Elm Streets. Freddy, Jason and I are getting to be BFFs.
So again, slasher flicks are an entirely new thing for me. I have had a vague concept of the mythos surrounding them thanks to pop culture references that I have continuously been exposed to throughout my media saturated youth. So I kind of figured I would get it without seeing it. I was wrong. There are so many valuable life lessons that I had been missing out on! Below, a list of important take aways from new found education in slasher flicks.
5) It is okay to suspend reality
Apparently, I am not a fun person to watch these kind of movies with. Most people, having seen them again and again throughout their lives, usually beginning at a young and impressionable age, are able to just deal with the complete lack of congruence in the slasher universe. For instance, if Jason drowned as a boy, leading Mrs Voorhese to avenge his death, how does he come back in Parts II through X to avenge hers? Is he supernatural? If so, how did he get that way? Was it a steady diet of fish blood and lake water that turned him into a flesh craving monster? How did the guy in the wheel chair get up all those stairs in the first place so he could macheted in the face and fall down 8 flights of them? Why wouldn't blonde broad number 2 ram the pitch fork inside Jason, set hs corpse on fire and then blow up the camp as she hightailed it the fuck out of there instead of stopping to contemplate her good fortune at the lake after merely bludgeoning him with a lawn chair? Like a lawn chair bludgeoning is going to stop JASON, dude survived like 20 years in a goddamn lake! Also, he seemed to still be a kid monster in part I but somehow became a full blown grown up monster in part II, riddle me that? Anyway, what I learned whilst irritating Boss to no end with my barrage of questions, is that questioning the reality of the slasherverse is like questioning God. We aren't meant to know the truth. If we do, our heads will explode. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the gore. This is not an easy task for me as i am sure you will see by the next 4 life lessons.
4) If you are in your underpants, and its raining, you gone die.
In both parts 1, and 2 of both movies so far, there have been multiple scenes of young, sexually precocious women prancing about in their underpants in completely inappropriate fashions. And she who remains fully clothed manages to stay alive if not frightened to death. In both films multiple ladies can be seen wearing rain coats and underpants, and once a sweater and underpants, venturing forth into the darkened wilderness to shut windows, use the bathroom, check a fuse, investigate a noise, whatever. The one thing they all have in common is that they eventually die, horrifyingly gruesome deaths, in their underpants. As a person who went to camp for many years I can not remember a single instance of running about outside in my underpants, and I did a lot of strange things at summer camp. I have concluded that this is the only reason I am still alive to this day.
3) Always listen to Crazy People
You know that guy that is lurking about, ominously chanting "you're all doomed...DOOMED I TELLS YA" everyone seems to disregard him as "crazy Ralph" the local nut who's just crazying it up over there. Ralph appears to understand what all of the supposedly "sane" teens in the town do not, Camp Crystal Lake is full of head chopping murder-ness that should generally be avoided. The same goes for Nightmare, where "crazy Nancy", the one kid that knows the true nature of Freddy's ability to turn a bed into a teen eating garbage disposal and she is literally barred into her house to keep from spreading her crazy about town. If there is one thing you should always keep in mind, when headed up to a desolate place you have never been, or experiencing mysterious deaths that look like all natural laws have been violated, it might be time to listen to Ralph.
2) Don't be an absentee parent
The kids that seem to be listened to the least, taken care of the poorest, and have parents with closet drinking problems, all seem to end up fighting for their lives against supernatural villains all alone in the end. Why? because their shitty ass parents either didn't believe them, shipped them off to summer camp so they could spend the summer doing god knows what or are too busy with their cavalcade of boyfriends to listen when their kids are screaming for their lives in the middle of the night. Kid wakes up with cuts all over their arms after screaming profusely all night long? Looking for attention. Leave mummy alone so she can hump in peace. Parents, don't let your babies grow up to be victims. In this same vein, negligent parents and babysitters are also the cause of our beloved killers, not only their victims. The bastard son of 1,000 maniacs became the man that haunts our dreams, somehow i don't see those maniacs attending many little league games, do you?
1) Of course, remain a virgin and don't do drugs
What are slasher flicks if not morality tales? It isn't often that the virginal, non grass smoking teen winds up stuffed in a television set or with a machete through her face. I don't really even need to tell any of you this one, unlike me, you have all probably seen enough horror movies to know by now that if you are making sexy times at camp with your recently stoned boyfriend in your underpants in the rain, you gone die.
As of finishing this blog posting, i have now watched 2 Jason's and 3 Freddy's, moving on to Texas Chainsaw Massacre as soon as I finish the Craven trilogy tonight.
What is your favorite horror flick? What lessons did you learn from the slashers?
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