What they forgot to tell me...

When you have kids, there is this long contingent of people queuing up to let you in on "the things they don't tell you" about parenthood. From the minute my belly started to show (which was when i was already 8 months along, fat chicks grow wide before they grow out) obscure relatives, strangers on the bus, and every elderly woman that's ever even heard of a baby was desperate to pat my belly and advise me on all of the amazing and also troubling things that will occur before, during and after the birth of my blessed miracle.

"Your feet honey, they will never be the same, and they don't tell you that!" says someones grandma

"Your sex life, its going to be non-existent, they don't mention that one in What to Expect" says great aunt of a casual acquaintance

"Sometimes you poop on the table! bet the OB forgot to mention that!" says the woman at the grocery store.

and so on and so on ad nauseum until i had heard every episiotomy story, every "I nearly died..." anecdote and every philosophical waxing you can ever imagine about poop.

So once the kid was born, I thought that I had heard every version of what may have been forgotten to be mention in the copious books on birthing, rearing and not breaking, my new squirming and confusing infant. I have since discovered however, that there are still things that have not been mentioned.

After doing this parenting thing for 6+ years, I kind of thought that this would stop surprising me, but now that Boss has moved in, from a formerly childless universe, I am starting to see all of those "things they didn't tell me" once again.

1) Swimming is no longer relaxing



We took Pink One to the local pool today, and I'm not sure what was expected, but I think Boss was a little surprised by the stark contrast of going to the pool as a childless adult vs an adult with a small child in tow. Gone are the days of one bag, some sunscreen and a cool drink with an umbrella watching the pretty girls go by. A trip to the pool with a 6 year old means kick boards, frantic bathing suit searches, knees and elbows in every orifice and watching for the umteenth time as she does a "swan dive" (cannonball/belly flop combo) off the side of the pool drenching every person in a 10 mile radius.  Cries of "throw me! Catch me! Watch me!" accompanied by flailing arms and legs nearly causing irreparable brain damage to the both us highlight the trip. The sheepish hightail to the parking lot as you dodge the kid she nearly drowned is highlighted only by the fact that your bra is soaking wet and you forgot underpants.

2) Snot is just no longer an issue



When you have a kid, there just seems to be a thin layer of slime on like...everything. She will sneeze on your face, directly into your mouth, you will wipe it with your bare hand, and it will likely encrust 84% of your wardrobe. Pre-Pink One, the first person to sneeze in my eye would have been beaten with in an inch of their life and i would have spent the next hour bathing in a 30% bleach solution. Post child, snot is like the morning dew on the front lawn.

3) Hygiene is simply not inherent



The first time you have to explain to a person, albeit a tiny person, that fully wiping their own ass is necessary and important, you realize that the general hygiene you take for granted as an adult is simply inconvenient to a child.  "you mean, I have to wash my hair AND body? UHHHHHH" "well why should i have to brush my teeth?" And for some reason, "because I fucking said so" just doesn't seem to cut it as an answer. Also on the list of things NOT to tell your child, "Nobody likes the stinky kid" and "I will beat you if you ask me again". As a childless adult you just assume that every person is born with an innate sense of what is, and is not clean and or healthy for you. Kids just don't get it, which is why as adults we have to teach them that toothpaste is essential, underpants are worn every day, ALL day, and even though snot apparently tastes delightful, it should never be put in ones mouth intentionally.

4) Genitals are no longer exciting nor subversive

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I have seen more genitals since becoming a parent than all of my swinging college party days combined. Every night, a squealing, naked child does her "toodie time" touch down dance on top of the ottoman while we beg her to get in the damn bath already and try not to laugh. Childless friends can not seem to get used to this, and though we often attempt to convey the importance of propriety and reduce the amount of vag flashed at non-family members, every once in awhile someone is bound to get an eyeful. Honestly, I don't even notice it anymore. When watching other friends kids I have seen tiny hands all over tiny wieners and positions only before seen on late night skin-a-max attempted without hesitation on the front lawn.  The day you wake up with a tiny butt in front of your nose and your first reaction is not "how much did i have to drink last night?" but "Well, it must be Wednesday..."  you have crossed over into parenthood.

5) Things that were once erotic, are simply not okay when done by your kid



Lightly nibbling an earlobe can be fantastic, until your kid is the one doing it, then its just plain skeevy. Pink One regularly insists on 1) tweaking my nipples 2) licking my neck and 3) prancing about in shorty shorts and high heels. How do you explain to her that "if a 22 year old girl were doing the same thing, and it turns me on, its not okay for you" when she just thinks she's being amusing and adorable? Pink One has come out of her room wearing outfits only the most high class of street walkers would dare to don.  This child has legs for days and her shorts and skirts become too short for comfort in a matter of weeks. She chooses to pair them with tube tops that must have fit at one time, but now create the air of a tiny, pre-pubescent tramp out for a bad time. Once, a friends 5 year old nephew attempted to tongue kiss me for god knows what reason, and all I could think to say to him was "its simply not okay for kids to kiss like that" while I shivered with both heebies and jeebies for the next 1o minutes.

Parenting is always rife with surprise, something that makes it both interesting and exciting in its way. Every day I find some new element to the whole experiment that just shocks the hell out of me. Tomorow, I may think I've got this whole thing in the bag, there ain't nothing that can surpise me anymore, and then Pink One will emerge from our bedroom holding something that is CLEARLY not a children's toy and demand to know why the flashlight won't turn on...

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What was your biggest parenting surprise?