I've been MIA this week, I know. I got a call on Wednsday that my grandmother had a massive stroke and was now paralyzed on her left side. She has been dying ever since, a process that can take a really long time, she is now in a coma and awaiting the next phase in the dying process. (update as of 9:24pm on Tuesday, she has now passed away, and we are both relived for her to be no longer suffering, and completely heart broken by losing her)
My family has gone through five deaths in three years, most on my dad's side of the family. Lily has been there through all of this, she has witnessed the crying, the soft talking, the funerals that are INCREDIBLY boring for her. The two things she has taken away from all of this are
1) an incredible love of casseroles and
2) an almost obsessive facination with death.
Lily asks me every day, about every person in her life, when they will die, if they will die before her, when/if she will die, will she be a ghost, will she get to see GGma or Papa when she dies, where heaven is, and what kind of casserole will they bring me when she dies.
Is it wrong to ask a 4 year old to shut up? yeah...it is.
When my dad died in 2007, Hospice gave us a great little coloring book on loss, and death, explaining to kids that when someone gets very sick, and dies, they just aren't there anymore. They might go to heaven, but we don't know for sure, all we know is that Papa isn't with us anymore, but he still lives in our heart. While this seems easy enough of an explanation, it just leaves kids with more questions, especially kids like mine.
She isn't afraid of death by any means, which I suppose is a good thing, she is just curious, and loud, and full of awkward questions and statements when we are all sitting here, trying to just be sad.
I had this whole fantastic blog post about how I deal with this planned, but now I'm just too sad, and I don't feel right letting it sit much longer, becuase i won't ever want to finish it, and I refuse to let death take away my blogging, its all I have right now keeping me sane.
Anybody have any good tips on answering the awkward questions of gothic 4 year olds?
1 comment:
Dear sweet Lily,
Everybody dies at one point or another. Nobody knows when it will happen or why it will happen. That is a wonderful thing too. Most people wouldn't take it well if they knew when because some people would get scared. The best thing to do is live life like there is no tomorrow without worrying about death. Enjoy each and everyday. Tell everyone you care about that you love them. Treat your loved ones with lots of respect. (That means listen to them without back talk or a roll of the eye, little one.) But of course you knew that. :o)
I personally believe that when someone dies, they become the sand beneath our feet. They are the wind that whips through our hair. They are part of the tree's and flowers that grow all around us. They are the music that the birds and grasshoppers sing. They are the stars that watch over us at night. They are the little whispers you hear in your ear that tell you right from wrong. They are anything and everything in nature that bring you joy and happiness.
They are part of you, Lily. They always will be. When you look in the mirror, maybe you will see Papa's eyes and GGma's smile. That's because you are a part of them and they are a part of you forever and ever. So, when you look in the mirror and smile, remember they are there with you smiling back.
Okay, now Lana needs to go wash her face again. Love ya, Lily girl. Everything will be alright. Try to give Mom a hug or two instead of the questions for now, okay. She needs a Mommy time out.
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