Death and Casseroles cont.

We are quickly approaching Grandma's funeral and I am finding myself less and less interested in the real world. I have been hiding, something i am constantly reccomending my friends DON'T do. I'm hiding behind work, of which I am spending way to much time, hiding behind sex, of which I am constantly trying to provoke out of my husband, and then end up crying in the middle of, and hiding behind my cell phone, most of all, becuase i have been texting things I wouldn't normally text for a vast majority of the day.

It's very strange, I've never been a person who hides from her emotions, or from difficult situations. There is something about the sheer weight of the deaths in my family these last several years, along with money and health troubles and the general day to day goings on of life that is just wearing me down these last couple of weeks.

Its currently 3 am and I haven't been able to sleep for more than 3 hours in a night and when I am awake, i'm either texting, working, or lying on the couch trying to illicit sex from a frightened husband, who am I?

I realize that my family is going through a difficult time, that some depression is understandable, but this is just not how I deal with things, at least, not since that week in college when i slept for an entire week and then woke up only to get execptionally hammered and throw up on my roommate.

The casseroles are on their way, and the little one is handling my hiding better than expected, though there have been more random outbursts of naughtiness lately. Once the funeral is over, I am going to try and re-focus myself into paying more attention to the pink one, spending time with her and doing fun things with her, something I have been having a rough time doing lately. My poor child has been put off, shushed up, distracted, and yelled at way more than she should ever be, I'm a terrible mother when I'm sad, and it isn't fair to her.

Its really hard to be a mommy and need to cry, to take time to hide, and time to be useless. Its really hard to be a mommy and not want to be a mommy for a little while, sometimes, it feels like mommy needs to escape. I've decided that this is okay, and I'm not going to apologize for not feeling into the Mommy Thing right now, I'm lucky to have a fantastic husband who picks up my slack and makes sure dishes are clean and food is prepared, and eventually, it will be his turn to hide, and my turn to pick up the slack.

So there.

For all of you mommies out there, take some time to relax and to cry when you need it, to be useless for a day or two every year or so, and to escape for at least 1 hour every day. I think if I can heed my own advice it won't be so tempting to hide for long periods of time.