I am a nervous talker. I have this tendency to make myself the center of attention when I don’t feel comfortable. Some would think this is counter productive, but for me, it has always made me feel more relaxed to be at the center of a gathering making jokes and telling stories, sometimes, louder and longer and less appropriate than I should be.
This weekend, during our random road trip to no where, we decided to drop in on my old college roommates in downtown Seattle. These are women that have seen me through some of the worst times in my life, have seen me dressed as a pirate and carrying a stuffed goat through Haggen, falling down drunk and babbling about cookies that had unexpected effects, as well as many other various college type indiscretions, but instead of being relieved and excited to see them (though I was very excited) I was SO nervous, and for some reason, apologetic.
This is by no fault of theirs, it is only my issue. For whatever reason, when I hang out with people that have a far more interesting and exciting life than I deem my own, I become all apologetic and overly talky. I start doing my self deprecation shtick and hope that if I keep them all laughing they won’t notice that I’m sweating buckets.
Does anyone else get like this? Do you feel the need to apologize for your domestic life in a smaller town when you get together with your fancy, childless city friends?
When I was in college, I think I imagined my life differently, at 26 I thought I would be traveling, working for a non-profit, living an exciting life in the city, basically exactly what my friends are doing. Instead, I’m leading a Camp Fire group, organizing preschool mixers and working in insurance, not at all glamorous or exciting, but I do really like it.
Thinking about it now, if I did have the life I thought I wanted in college, I probably wouldn’t have liked it very much. I get nervous and lost in strange places, I feel claustrophobic in the city, and I have never been glamorous or chic, its always been more like awkward and noisy.
When I’m with my other mom friends, I don’t have the same need to apologize for being a parent, but I do apologize constantly for what I consider my parenting flaws. My child’s messy face, mismatched clothes, loud protests and need to harass animals. For whatever reason, I am always comparing myself to others and always feeling like I come up short.
This isn’t just parenting, its writing, acting, painting, photography, work, spelling whatever. I should be okay with myself, with my flaws, with being “good enough” at something. But I’m not.
When do we stop caring about how others see us? When do we stop thinking the grass looks greener anywhere but home? When can I stop apologizing?
4 comments:
PS, too bad I can't spell!
Hi A,
It comes with age & spiritual work, but mostly with age.
Try this mantra: "What people think of me is none of my business". Release the need for approval from others. - I got this from the Little Book of Light - Mikaela Katherine Jones.
Love ya & youre blog! :-)
Connie (the other mother)
Oh, poodle, it was GREAT to see you. I feel bad that we made you nervous though. Believe you me, our childless city lives are not nearly as glamorous as they may seem. I know exactly how you feel though...it's always nice to know that I'm not the only one endlessly comparing myself to others and coming up short more often than I'd like. I adore living in the city, with all of its glamour and intrigue, but like anything, it gets monotonous. Anyway, hopefully you will have worked through your nerves by the time we come up in a few weeks for karaoke mayhem!!! And, if not, feel free to talk endlessly and be the center of attention (it's all part of why we love you!).
Ok, I compare myself to all the momblogs! I am not as clever, my kids are not as smart, mostly I spend my days yelling something insane at teenagers, who by the very fact they are teenagers are programmed NOT to hear a word I say! I want to live in the photography blogs world of beauty and interest. Instead I'm living in the high desert of southern california where it is brown and flat! Ok, I'm done whinning! My spouse loves me to death, my kids are healthy and my grandson lives close by, and my dogs think the sun rises with me! I have alot to smile about! So, do you!
Post a Comment