What Happened to Amy?

I've been doing a little thinking about my name lately. My name used to be Amy, I never really cared for it, too short, not easily turned into a viable nickname, rhymes with Lame-y, not a great name, but it was my name.

In the last five years since husband and I hooked up I have some how managed to develop several new names, and even a couple of new alter egos, but Amy, as a name, and most of the time, as a person, has seemed to have disappeared.

On May 7th 2005 I became Mommy, and a short time later, Mom, and lately, I'm becoming Mother. When I became Mommy, everything about me changed. Rather than the sexually precocious, foul mouthed sarcastic little narcissist i have been my entire life, I was transformed into a person that was required to give, sustain, and nurture, life; and hardest of all, watch her swears.

I was shocked to find that Mommy was concerned about the violent content of video games and television shows, Amy never really thought about that, other than ones where they kill hookers for money points, she never gave a damn.

Mommy seems to care a great deal about what kind of food is in the house, vegetables, milk, cheese, yogurt, things with pro-biotics in them, Amy always just ran to 7-11 and grabbed a couple platters of nachos for she and husband, who was then boyfriend, to snarff up. Amy didn't care about carbs, and didn't want a husband, but Mommy, she is a little needy, and could stand to drop a few pounds.

Mommy needed a sensible car, a sporty hair cut in only one, natural color, and a house that housed only herself, the boyfriend (who is now husband) and the child that converted her to Mommy. Amy was content to live in squalor with somewhere between 3 and 7 smelly boys at a time where someone was always awake and everyone visited everyone’s room, giving the term "bed sharing" a completely different connotation than the one Mommy knows.

Amy had LOTS of friends, all kinds of strange people with interesting things to say and fascinating movies to watch and cigarettes to smoke. Mommy has however only recently found herself two or three really close friends and not even that in the early days of her new life.

Mommy knows the entire Veggie Tales song book; Amy knew every word to "Hurray for Boobies" by the Blood Hound Gang. (Mommy remembers the lyrics, but doesn't get to sing them very often)

Amy used to have opinions, and ideas and thoughts that centered on issues other than family medical leave and preschool bullying. Mommy is happy if she can maintain a 15 minute conversation without mentioning, or hearing about, poop.

Mommy knows that she has things that she cares about, remembers important things she see's on the news, and sometimes writes them down in crayon so she can discuss them at work the next day, but then that commercial for the children’s hospital comes on with all the skinny bald kids, and she starts crying and can't remember what that story on the news was about, and the dog has eaten the paper she wrote on.

Sometimes Mommy allows Amy to come back for a short time, usually on a Friday night. Amy takes over and dyes mommy's hair purple, or cuts it really short, gets a new tattoo, or inserts the occasional swear. Mommy then re-surfaces around the time preschool starts on Monday and is forced to answer questions like "Why is your hair purple? or mom's can have tattoos? Can I have a tattoo?" from the kids at school, resulting in stares and the occasional look of horror from the other moms. Mommy then wonders what Amy was thinking and if she should get back at her by buying a minivan.

As moms, wives, husbands, and parents, we tend to lose a piece of ourselves every time we acquire one of these new titles. We are now responsible for someone other than ourselves and that responsibility is something that takes a toll. Being carefree and narcissistic isn't something that translates well into effective parenting, but is so much more fun than worrying about who is getting enough protein and who isn't wearing sunscreen.

I'm not saying I don't love my life, I really do, but sometimes when its quiet, and things have slowed down, i sit back and wonder how I got here exactly. For those of us who have adapted these new titles, thinking about how we came to be in this strange new world allows us to be reminded of not only where we came from, but how far.

My pregnancy, marriage, and eventual nose dive into parenthood were so unexpected that it sometimes feels like I was picked up out of my previously self centered life and plopped down in the middle of MomLand, an uncharted territory by members of my former realm MeTopia, there were a few natives here sure, but I didn't speak their language yet, and I couldn't tell if they were inviting me to a feast or offering to roast me.


Amy was a little wild and had too many issues for Mommy, and Mommy is a little square for Amy. But together, along with my other personalities Honey, Boss, and Daughter, make up the person I am now. I expect that eventually a new personality or two will emerge, along with a couple of new names, they will be welcomed into the fold, asked to move over because it is getting a bit crowded in here, and offered a cookie. Unless of course one of them doesn't eat carbs either.