It is 7am and I have counted to 2 and a half seven times in the last 15 minutes. Guess what good it’s done?
She's wearing a shirt... but that's it.
Every morning we go through this same ritual, I wake her gently, she refuses to rise. I go about my business for another 10 minutes, and, like a snooze alarm, materialize in her room, slightly more insistent this time, coaxing her to wake up. She again, refuses, this time hiding under Night Night (see A Day in the Life for an explanation of Night Night)
I give her another 5 minutes, and now I'm pissed, my pink headed sleeping beauty is showing no sign of rising with out physical force.
"GET UP NOW! 1....2....2 1/2...." and she’s up, slowly, but up.
Why do parents think that counting to 3 is an effective form of communicating urgency? For my kid anyway, all I get out of this ritual is watching her move ever so slightly to the left, just before I hit 3, and then I start again when the next demonstration of "slack" presents it self.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
"What happens at 3 exactly?" I can hear her pink mind musing. "A spankin'? loud voice? mean words? a cookie? Ooh, it might be a cookie...I'm just going to see what happens, just in case it is a cookie"
And I watch her, as she processes my warnings and threats, moving at a snails pace, attempting to pick her underwear off the floor with her toes, and then my face gets hot, and my voice comes out of my mouth at that register I didn't know I could produce.
"PUT YOUR DAMN PANTS ON NOW"
"Don't yell at me MUVVER, you haffa talk NICE!"
So now we are arguing, and arguing is NOT how I envisioned communicating with my daughter, even at 4. I dreamed that we would be like Lorali and Rory , laughing over coffee and talking really fast while referencing pop culture trivia, but so far anyway, it has not been in the cards for us.
What is the alternative to the old "counting to 3?" My mother still does it, and my sisters and I are all well over 18 at this point. Yet, we still scurry into the living room looking for our marching orders, but not before she hits 2 3/4.
I have tried the quiet, rational conversation attempt, the list of potential repercussions, including the definition of repercussion. And even, the viable alternative tract.
Each of these, supposedly "more effective communication models" end in one of three scenarios
1) Why? asked in succession until the mother drops to the floor in tears of exasperation
2) The daughter rejects all options presented and instead opts to cartwheel naked
3) One, or both of us, start to cry, and/or scream
I think a big reason we have this fight every morning is that my little person has recently realized how little control she has in this world. She doesn't get to choose her school, her size, whether she can drive or pump gas, she doesn't get listened to most of the time and I can see why she might feel frustrated and instead of getting dressed, opt to cartwheel.
According to Family Education the trick is setting up a routine, and letting her take part in that routine.
"You are absolutely correct about a good morning routine helping your child get ready for school. In the evening, pick out the next day's school clothes with your child and pack and place his book bag by the door. Set an alarm clock to give sufficient time for dressing. Have a scheduled time for a family breakfast to get the day started together. Be sure to enlist other family members' help in caring for the newborn and preparing breakfast. Most important of all, leave enough time after breakfast to cuddle your child and read a story together before he must leave for school."
I would KILL for snuggle time and family breakfast before school, but the reality of the situation is that I already have to wake her at 6am, and even when she goes to bed at 7, she doesn't want to get up, most of our clothes aren't dry the night before, Daddy is gone by 5 and if I want any hope of brushing my own teeth I have to let her sleep in just a tiny bit.
So how do we get out of the numbers game, how do we give them a choice in what their world looks like without destroying our own?
According to most of the parenting blogs and child rearing books I've read, the key is consistency and tangible consequences. I know that Lily is much more apt to listen when I preclude the count to 3 with "I'm going to count to 3, and if you aren't dressed there will be no...(insert favorite vice of the moment)" as opposed to my other favorite, with an equal fail rate, of bribing her, "If you are dressed by the time I count to 3 we'll get Starbucks!" This works about 25% of the time, the rest of the time, she isn't dressed by 3 but we get Starbucks anyway because now mommy wants it. Consistency and follow through are NOT my strong points.
So all the 1-2-3 Discipline Magic books and all the child psychologists and parenting experts have nothing to contribute when it comes to lazy mothers, insolent pre-schoolers, and 15 minute increments of morning time in which to wash, dress, brush, and pack lunches.
I am very aware that i could remedy this situation with an alarm clock for her and a pre-packed lunch the night before, I am also aware that this will probably not happen while I'm working full time and alone in the morning.
My goal instead is to make up for it in the evening. Rough mornings can equal extra snuggles before bed and a long story with pictures. I vow to at least attempt consistency when counting to 3, at least until I find a more viable method for getting this child to bend to my will.
Any ideas?
6 comments:
Consistency is key in conditioning. Operant conditioning is what is being suggested by the "experts" they just don't want to use cold sounding clinical terms. Operant conditioning, one of the basic models of psychological behavior, requires consistency and consequence, especially with humans, to affect voluntary behavior. Humans can reason and when they know there is no threat or the threat is inconsistent the conditioning is gone and you have to start over again. It's not child psychology it's basic psychology. That being said children are retarded. No I'm serious their brains are not fully developed thus they are incapable of reasoning at the level you and I reason at. Piaget calls in centration. It means that the child's logic flows in one direction and it is difficult for them to understand cause and effect relationships. This can last until they are 7 or 8. I find it inconceivable when I hear parents in public trying to reason adult situations with their children. Children do not care about any of the shit you are telling them. They care about them, they are ego-centric. I want that and I don't get it I cry. You can't explain that you don't have the money or that the object of desire is bad for them. It is a point to point, one way, stream of logic. Your observation about lack of control is right on point. Providing options might help. Selecting 2 or 3 outfits the night before and she gets to choose one in the morning. Again I don't have kids just academic knowledge so lol take my advice for what it's worth.
Can I suggest a technique I learned and let me tell you IT WORKS! I am def not against the 1,2,3 or you get a spank...however this has left MANY a struggles behind and she actually listens! I took a love and logic parenting class....and all you have to do is give them two choices, both of which are ones you can live with and then " she gets to be in control." For example I lay out two outfits I want Bailee to wear, she gets to choose which one. " Would you like to get dressed before or after you brush your teeth?" If you are willing to do actually follow thru with this one you can even say " would you rather wear your clothes to school or take them in a bag" apparently with that one it only takes once! haha...Basically by giving them the choice they feel like they are in control...and you can use it for anything! I even use one of my choices as time out sometimes...and she has only picked time out once! haha....anyways, just thought I would pass that along because it really has worked for us...takes a bit of practice to remember not to threaten, and get super frustrated but once you keep doing it, it helps. And I am hardly ever frustrated about getting out the door on time, or getting her to do something because the key is to use a calm voice, and when she tries to argue simply repeat your statement " would you rather...." until she does it :-)
Great advice! I'm going to try that this morning. We do that occasionally, and it does work, as I've said, I am not great with consistency, but I haven't applied it to my morning routine yet so lets see how it works! Thanks!
After having two completely different personality types for children, I really believe that parenting must adapt to the child. Some kids, like my first, are very difficult to motivate with rewards or consequences. My blog about my introverted first child is at http://meltay.wordpress.com and might help you to know that I've struggled with some of the same things.
At 7, she is still very strong willed and hates to go anywhere - school, church, anything. I've regretted a bunk bed b/c I can't push her out. After a week of 45 minutes of trying to get her up w/ loud music and lights and tickles, I'm now using a spray bottle filled with water. Works like a charm! :)
Good luck. Parenting is hard! Hang in there. You're among friends.
Melissa
I completely agree that parenting must adapt to the child. some children need more get up time in the morning, some need more control, some respond well to gentle direction, some seem to need some magic ingredient that you just don't have.
That said... Fireplay is very much right on about psychology (perhaps another psych major in our midst?). Without consistency and follow through, none of the strategies you try to use will work very well-and it's been my general observation that inconsistency (whether in parenting, developmental therapy, or the classroom) just makes your life harder in the long run. You tell the pink one to get her shoes on RIGHT NOW or you won't have time for starbucks... Well, is this the time mommy means it, or is today one of the days where there's starbucks anyway? Of course she's not going to put her shoes on. She is looking for control (very big at this age), but also for boundaries.
A lot of my gneral parenting comes from working with DD kids. I find the general guidelines fairly universal. Treat your little one with respect, because they're people too and they know when you don't. Don't have so many rules/expectations that they can't possibly follow them all (and will rebel), but have enough so there's boundaries and they feel safe. Be consistent. Be firm, not loud. And follow through with what you say.
Easier said than done some days, I know, especially when you're trying to juggle home and work and husband and the pink one. Routine is important, you're on the right track there. That choices thing really works wonders. Maybe talk to lily the night before about your morning, and how you want to have enough time for (cuddles, starbucks, breakfast, whatever, something she wants to do) and she can help by choosing hour clothes etc etc. And stick to it!!
Carter was horrible about getting ready for school at first. He is slow to wake up, and moved at snails pace through getting ready. So... I did the 10 minute warning wake up, then gave him his option: you can sleep/cuddle another 5 minutes, or you can get ready and have 5 minuts video game time. It worked. I didn't have to spend my whole morning prompting him, prodding, begging, threatening, fighting. That's just not a good way to start the morning.
Working on my undergrad now. =oD Hoping to transfer into a doctorate program at the California School of Professional Psychology.
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