This weekend I have started thinking a lot about assumptions, the ones we make about our roles in our families and with our friends, and how these assumptions can lead to frustration and mis communication.
The assumption that whoever is home first will make dinner and clean the kitchen, and as that is 99% of the time my husband, I have gotten pretty used to a clean kitchen and dinner started when I get home, so somehow, i am still terribly annoyed when it isn't. There is no chart on the wall dictating whose turn it is to make dinner, he just usually does it, which leads me to assume he will always do it, and that assumption usually winds up in a fight, or at least me with a shitty attitude for the rest of the night, storming about the kitchen and cooking while he plays video games.
The same goes for our weekends, it is assumed that because I am generally a homebody who prefers a movie and pizza to beer at the bar, I will stay home with the pink one while he lives it up until 4am. Just because I don't usually want to go, doesn't mean I will not want to go THIS time, in fact, this weekend I kind of did want to go, but I wasn't invited.
So this battle of assumptions, whose job is what, who normally feels which way about what and whom, does nothing but cause problems. Communication in a relationship, and in a partnership/marriage in particular, is so tenuous already, depending on the time of day, what mood you are both in, how work went and how the kid is behaving, that it is even more important to just "run stuff by" your significance other than you can imagine.
It is something that my husband and I have yet to master, though we continue to work on it daily. Because we are both surrounded by a barrage of single, mostly male, friends who have no one to answer to, we often find ourselves second guessing our instinctual need to communicate, and heading right back into the land of assumption. It is assumed I won't mind that they spend the night, becuase most of the time I don't, and it is assumed that it is fine for Steve to stay out until 6am on a Friday night becuase they have nothing planned on Saturday, he must not either. What is it they say about assumptions? something about ASS's being made?
My single male friends often say that I require my husband to "ask permission" before going out, which is completely untrue, and I don't ask his permission either, what i do, and what i ask of him, is to run the situation by me. This allows either of us to remind the other about any obligations we may have forgotten about, monetary updates that need to be made, or requests to go along that weren't explicitly extended. Its called, "communication" boys, and just because a couple has it, (or tries to) does not mean that one is controlling the other, or whips are being cracked in any direction.
This is one of the problems with having a large stock pile of male friends who show no signs of getting married or at the very least, dating, any time soon, they give husbands that whole "my the grass looks greener..." outlook with their assumptions about what married life is like, and because husbands (at least this one) tend to be easily suggestible, they start assuming those assumptions, turning everyone into one big ass.
An example, if you will, the single male friends, here in referred to as "the boys" assume that once a man is married, his wife is no longer a person (and I am of course overgeneralizing and paraphrasing here, don't get sad Dan) she is now, "Steve's wife". This conversion from person to wife is not something they have consciously assigned to her, but none the less, the assumption is made that "wives don't go to bars" "wives don't let husbands do things" or "wives are no fun" when in actuality, only 3 short years ago, wife, who was, at that time still known as "Amy" was super fun, and still is, (so long as there is SOMEONE available to care for the pink one in the early morning hours of the next day, though the ASSUMPTION seems to often be that this duty will fall to the previously fun, wife)
Consequentially, the wife is often left out of events, road trips, impromptu clam bakes etc. becuase she is now a drag, unless of course, she is cooking, then the wife is awesome!
I forget what I was originally ranting about in this post, I think when I started it, I was feeling very under appreciated and lonely, and I'm sure the husband had pissed me off somehow, but today, (3 days since I started the damn thing) I'm okay, and not quite so miffed. But I'm sure the assumption line will be dropped again, and I will be left out once or twice in the near future, and I will revisit this now painfully random topic.
Anybody else understand what I'm saying? Did I lose you somewhere around day 2?
3 comments:
Honestly what is wrong with asking? It is not an exercise in control it is an exercise in communication. It conveys respect. Jeffrey always asks me when he wants to go out, especially if that person is male. He is not truly seeking my permission, though if I expressed an issue he might reconsider. He is conveying to me that he respects our relationship enough that he wants me to know what he is doing and open up dialog if that is needed. Of course this exercise has to work 50/50. If I am making plans or what have you I ask Jeff. Again it's not a control issue cuz if he said no I'd go anyways, you know this! LOL.
Maybe its that term "asking" that just makes me feel like a woman with curlers in her hair and rolling pin at her hip, I hate to think he has to ask my permission, and I don't want to ask his, I like the term "run by" better, becuase if you run something by someone, you are still making your own decision, you're just taking their opinion into consideration. By asking you give the other person the option of saying no, and when you run it by them, you just allow them input. And you go bitch! Just Go!
I run things by Tom, and he runs things by me, mostly as you said in your blog, to see if anything is planned for that particular day. It's called a commintted relationship...Tom's "other friends" (he used to have some of his own before he stole all mine) acted like "the boys" and said I was controlling, via the whip cracking sound. They are nearing 45 and still single. That is the boys future if they don't lay off. They should be nicer to the wife, she has female friends and can make things happen for them.... I bet they didn't think of that! You know, Bridget is always available to babysit or Lily can stay the night here if you and Steve need to hang out with the boys. Trust me, I have no life now that school has started for me, you wont be bugging us!
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