I was talking with my friend Cari of The Every Mom's Blog the other day about a marriage course she is taking at her church with her husband.
The term "Marriage Course" invites images of the antiquated college courses offered to women on how to be better wives, when to wear your pearls and when to wear your kitten heels, but the reality is, that the course is more about communication and understanding your partner than it is about how to make the perfect after the office martini.
Cari talked about the different ways that men and women show love, and I think saying that its men and women specifically may be an over simplification, becuase i know many women that show love in what the church deemed "the man way", I will extend my musings to reflect on this idea, without gendering it.
So, the first way a person can show love is by using loving words and actions. The pet names, the snuggles, the dreaded "L" word so many are either afraid to use, or use to casually now a days. A person who shows love this way anticipates the needs of the other person and makes a show of fulfilling them. They write notes, or make sure the other person is kissed and told they are loved each day before leaving the house and each night before falling asleep. Their love is out there to be seen and aknowleged. These people also like to have their love returned in this fashion and do not understand, or feel unappreciated and un loved when it is not. But the problem may not be that the love is not returned, it is more likely, particularly in a marriage, that the other person simply has another method for showing, and reciving, love.
Myself, I need to hear the words from time to time, I need the hand holding in public and the nightly kiss and I love you's coupled with a little sarcasam to get me through the day. Friends of mine, and to some degree, my husband, however fall more in to this next category, they are the do-ers, not the showers, and while their method for giving and reciving love may be different than that expressed above, it is no less valid.
The do-ers are the people that show they love you by completing things, by thinking about your physical needs for comfort, care, and day to day operations. This is the husband that always takes out the garbage becuase he knows it makes you gag, or the girlfriend that always kills the spiders becuase she knows they make you scream like a little girl with a skinned knee. They are less likley to use the words, or hold the hands, unless they are helping you cross the street of course, and they are not the "bring you flowers" kind of lovers, they are the "well, I did do the dishes" kind.
This kind of lover, while infinetly more practical, can be problematic when paired with a Show-er. The Do-er does not understand the utility of the love poem, and the show-er, does not see the romance in an emptied cat box.
Something I have been learning since I have been married, and something the marriage course may touch on, is that these two types of lovers do not have to mutually incompatible, they just need to understand eachother and communicat their needs openly.
The show-er may require more physical attention and outwardly romantic displays of affection, but knowing their person is not comfortable, but has their own way of showing love may help them to look for the romance in the every day. For instance, my husband is a person that often forgets to take me to a romantic dinner or an evening on the town, prefering instead to play video games with his friends. However, he does two infinately more romantic things that I console myself with when feeling slighted. 1) when the cat leaves us her fresh kill, he disposes of it before I have to see it. Becuase rodents are on my top four list of things I'm afraid of (ducks, snakes and eyeballs taking the other three slots in no particular order, oh, and toe nails thats number 5), he knows that if I even see it, I will embarass myself, and our family by freaking out and screeching like a banshee until its picked up. 2) He remembers things, when my birthday comes around, I won't expect diamonds or anything like that, but I can expect to find things that I didn't even know I wanted. He is so good at picking up on my little "oh, that would be cool" or "Oooh I want thats" as we pass through Costco, or WalMart that 6 months later, its there, wrapped up, and I had completly forgotten about it. Now that, is love.
As a Show-er, i try to put a little do-er into my life as well, making him breakfast, something he can never resist, or cleaning the house, or just letting him have a day to do absolutely nothing (something I can't STAND so it really means I love him when that happens) and most recently, agreeing to let him quit a job that he hates so he can stay home with the little person and figure out what he wants to do with his life. These are not Show-er things, they are definately do-er things, but for my husband, they are more important than the three little words he says to me every night because they mean that much to me.
So for the rest of you, think about what kind of lover you are (god I hate that word, LuuuuVerrr, its so wierd, anyway....) and about what kind of lover your partner is, are they a show-er, or a do-er? Are you a show-er, or a do-er? What can you do to switch it up and give them a little of the do or some more of the show?
If you do or show something that was different to you or your partner and it had positive, negative, or amusing result, tag back to my blog or leave a comment with your story, I'm always dying to hear how my theories play out in real life!
6 comments:
Hi Amy,
I'm so excited to start reading your blog. Your observations on expressions of love are dead on. Another aspect of relationships that can affect behavior is the type of love that is involved in the relationship. Type of love you say? Yes. In psychology there is a theory of love called Sternberg's triangular theory of love. Sternberg's model really opened up my idea of love and the different ways love exists, works, or doesn't work. Sterngerg's model as you might have guessed is in the shape of a triangle. The top point of the triangle is intimacy, the bottom right point is commitment, and the bottom left point is passion. These are the three main component of love according to Sternberg. There are seven forms of love based on a combination of these three aspects. The first form of love is nonlove, or the absence of all of these factors. The second form of love is consummate love, or possessing all of the three factors, this is the most perfect form of love and what most relationships strive for. The first point, intimacy, constitutes liking or our general friendships. If we follow intimacy to meet halfway with commitment we get companionate love. Companionate love is what most of use feel toward our close family members (and usually with our closest friends), it is a combination of intimacy (emotional connections) and commitment. Marriages which have lost the sexual aspect are often also companionate. The second point, commitment, alone is what we call empty love. Empty love basically means you are with someone because you feel an entitlement to stay with that person. There is no sexual relationship and no intimacy. I think this is an image of the 50's when people stayed married even though they hated each other because it was expected. Between commitment and passion we find fatuous love. Infatuation, people who barely know each other but motivated by passion (sex) and commitment get married. This type of relationship must development intimacy to stay viable. The third point, passion, is pretty self explanatory. LOL Purely sexual relationships, one night stands, etc. Between passion and intimacy we find romantic love. Romantic love is where most relationships start, then they develop commitment and become consummate.
I really like Sternberg's theory and I think almost everyone can benefit from understanding the triangle. After learning the theories it is easy to point out past or present relationships and identify how they existed on Sternberg's model.
"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."
Urg...here I go! Didn't I say I wouldn't do this? Darn you, Amy. You gotta know I love you know. LOL
Anyway, I realized the same thing just a week ago. Even though I said I love you and didn't get that response back, the talk and cuddling we had made me feel more loved and cared for then I have ever known in my life time. It made me feel special and wanted. I realized that very moment that what I have is exactly what I've been wanting for a while now. I was just using someone elses rules to ruin what I had. (long story) Never again will I do that. Thankfully I have a very patient person in my life that is willing to work through things with me and be what I need as I am to him in our own special way.
What am I, well to be honest, I think I am a little of both. Maybe more a do-er. I love to do things to show people how I feel, but I also like to say how I feel in a way too. I think maybe the showing is more important to me because I tend to really think it through and try my best to make that person happy. If someone I care about needs help with something, I am there. Saying it has always been nothing but awkward and hard for me most of the time. I do it anyway because I am very emotional inside this shell that tries to hide all within. From what I understand now, I'm not very good at hiding it anymore.
I tend to call myself a deep ocean. Someone has to be real willing to swim those deep waters with me to get to the bottom of everything inside me. I am trying to be more open though. It's hard when you have been a certain way for as long as I have been. Also when you have had the things happen to you as I have had happen. You tend to want to protect yourself from ever being hurt again. Unfortunitely while doing so you protect yourself from anything real like love. Even when you know this, it's still hard to let go of everything and not be worried about scaring every person you care about out of your life, especially the one you are trying to have a relationship with in one way or another.
I think maybe, we become the do-er or the show-er because that's what that person feels more comfortable with. I honestly don't think it has much to do with gender at all. Although I know I am quite different then most women, I have never tried to be. I am just plain and simply being me.
My example would be the night we were all over at your sisters and I did some of the dishes. Everyone asked me why I did it. I did it because I care and she wasn't feeling well. It sucks to have to do dishes when you aren't feeling well. I was simply showing her some love. Didn't get to finish but I helped none the less. Made me feel good to help, always does. I get a lot of joy out of helping those I care about. To see a smile is worth a thousand words.
And next time, I will try my best to get up off the couch and kill the spider myself without saying a word even though I am equally scared of them. Now that WOULD be showing love. LOL ;o)
I remember learning about Sternberg in college, and I love the idea that love exists in multiple phases or on alternate planes, however that might be put. I would LOVE to have you guest blog more about this, becuase it is so facinating. I think that while love can grow and develop, in a way it can also back slide. I know in the 5 years Steve and I have been together, and in previous relationships as well, we have gone through periods of non-love, where it felt like none of the points were there, or the passion is gone, but the intimacy is fantastic, or hell, the sex is awesome but we haven't a thing to talk about. I think every relationship goes through these ebbs and tides. Something a friend of mine said to me once was really interesting, i didn't really agree with her at the time, but eventually, I started to see what she was getting at. She said "My husband and I have both had periods of time where we didn't love each other, what kept us together was that they never occurred at the same time." I think this was a really simplistic way of saying "One of those points was missing for us, but together we were committed to finding it again" I am so glad you are commenting on my blog, you always make me think, even with out pot and oreos =)
I am so glad you are coming out of your hole and letting yourself be cared for! In reading your reply I thought on it and I think that maybe a do-er can also be a show-er or even require showing more often than doing, just because you demonstrate your love one way does not mean you don't visualize it another way. Thank you for commenting Lana and keep coming back!
LOL I have a survey spreadsheet based on Sternberg's model. It's kinda of fun. Each half of the couple takes the test and then you can compare the scores to see where the relationship is at. E-mail me and I'll send it to you.
I am definately a show-er and Tom is a little of both, but leans toward do-er. What I like about the class, because we don't really understand how each other communicates, we sometimes mis-interpret each others actions. The idea is to be able to look at your spouse or partner as being a good-willed person, not intentionally malicious. (Although, there are some cases, and the class talks about it, when your spouse is malicious and no amount of communicating will change that-just leave at that point!). Love does go through stages; the hot passionate sex of the early months or years move into the more intimate, I guess deeper connection. In my gender class at Whatcom a few quarters ago, we discussed the stages of love and the relationship to biology. A lot of the stages are based on child-rearing. It was interesting. Remind me to talk to about next time I see you.
Anyway, thanks for the shout-out on my blog and not mocking me terribly about the marriage class! It does sound 1950 ish huh?
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