Ladies Night: Redux

Guest Blogger, Shelli Martineau, lyrically illustrates a good-old-fashioned Ladies Night.

Hey All, Mediocre Mama asked me to guest blog for her today. I was going to write on being a childless 26 year-old, who really only "mothers" two cats and a bi-polar husband, but instead, while digging through my blogging notes and half-scribbled ideas on mediocrity I stumbled upon this poem written the day after THIS POST by Mediocre Mama. I thought you might enjoy another perspective on our drunken girl's night out. :)




mon amie, my amy

perched precariously on your
mother's lawn chairs we
clink wine glasses and
trade secrets with
the cigarettes passed
between
us

the only object in focus
out in late october air
is your hand,
soft.. fluttering with
each story and idea
across waves of experience and
past pains

we are negotiating our
relationship again
across the table from each other
confessing past cold behavior
and absolving each other with
holy wine and crosses made
to bear.

the tension that held us
together, yet apart, like
loveable in-laws
has been torn and shredded
by mental manicurists

I wasn't aware my brain's cuticles
needed trimming.
but, thankfully, you are a diva
with a pair of shears

you cut through bullshit
and guilt like a hot knife
through a cliche stick of b--
yes, like bourbon

yes, like a hot knife through butter
you slice through
that guy on the unicycle (who
is such an asshole)
you slice off my excess baggage
like leftover lovers
those who cling to my belt loops and
beg another ride

when all I wanna do is
stop life. stop work. stop stopping
and have a drink with
mon amie,
my amy


Take the night off ladies!
-Shelli

Praise Be to the friends of Mommies!

As a woman who has always considered herself a “guys girl", or, someone who has traditionally surrounded herself with the male of the species, I have recently come to appreciate the importance of my female friends. Particularly since I have had children, the link to my mommy, and non-mommy girl friends has become stronger and more valuable than any parenting book, blog, or PBS special could ever be.

Don’t get me wrong, my male friends are great, they make me laugh, force me to take my life less seriously and contribute an over all sense of simplicity to my life, but you just can’t talk about leaky breasts with your male friends, no matter how much I tried right after the little person came along, they would always change the subject and squirm uncomfortably for some reason.

There were a good two years through my pregnancy and Lily’s birth where my female friends were and I were either incommunicado or just hadn’t met yet and it was one of the more lonely times in my life. I would walk with her in the front pouch and talk to her like I would one of my long lost girl friends. "What do you think baby? do you think daddy and i aren't having sex because we've grown apart? or is it just the stress of having a newborn?" or "I don't know baby, are you sure my ass doesn't look fat in these jeans?" She would stare at me, occasionally belch, but rarely contribute to the conversation, and I would eventually get tired of hearing my own voice and go back to doing the dishes or watching tv in silence.

Then, along came my Mommy friends, Lana, Cari, Jainel, and Rachel. It was like a whole new world of conversation opened up to me, I could talk about poop, and chapped nipples, and sexual dry spells, and complain about my husband, and laugh about my saddle bags that had recently developed. For all the talking and girls nights and foofy party drinks, i think the best thing about my lady friends is the fact that they remind me how not alone I am.

Before I had them i would stare at my kid and wonder "is that normal? or am I doing this right?" and I wouldn't have anyone to confirm or deny my suspicions that's the child was inches from death due to my negligence. Without mommy friends we are blind dumb and deaf in this uncharted water of parenthood and the knowledge that a seasoned, and non-judgmental mommy friends can bring to the table is so invaluable that i swear these women saved my life, and probably Lily's on many occasions.

For this reason I propose some sort of big sister program for new moms, in your 8th month someone will come to your home and assess your projected parenting plan (you know, the one you throw out the window after like 2 months?) they will assess your "mommy friend resources" and if you do not have an adequate supply of mommy friends, you will be placed by our team of experts into a mutually beneficial partnership until your child goes to college. This pairing program allows the new mom to benefit from the experience of the more seasoned mom, and allows the more seasoned mother to get her baby fix out of the way so she doesn't mistakenly have another child when really, she was done with the last one. See? Mutually beneficial!

From navigating breastfeeding to knowing what to do for potty training and tantrums I have tried the alternate venues, Dr. Spock and even my mother have NOTHING on Cari and Lana, two seasoned mommy veterans with kids that have lived to tell the tale of their first forays on to team mom.  They remind me that things get easier, that sometimes, adults are just assholes and your kid really isn't so bad, and get me laughing when I think things will never be funny again.

With Jainel I have the added bonus of a friend with a kid only 11 months older than my own, and a boy, so that puts at just right around the same developmental phase. We could lie them side by side on the blanket, Lily looking so small and Xavier this mammoth of a nearly one year old, already smiling and trying to crawl and compare notes on our rookie season as moms. Now, at ages 4 and 5 respectivly, Lily and Xavier are great friends, though the "boys are yucky" thing is starting to get in the way, and will even start school at the same time, we can hold each other and cry as we wave goodbye to our grown up kindergartners in a mere 12 month blink of an eye, ready to start the next phase of mommyhood together.

Now I have my Rachel, a friend from "BC" as my parents used to say (Before Children) and her very little man, teetering on the edge of 1 himself, and it is my turn to be a seasoned veteran to a rookie just pulled up from the minor leagues (college). I can tell her its okay to be bored sometimes and its normal to be exhausted, and I too spent an entire day just staring at my baby and trying to memorize every inch of her amazingly tiny body when she first came home. I can re-tell my birth story, and she can remind me how much it SUCKED to be pregnant every time I am wistful for the days of swollen ankles and heartburn. And she can confide in me how scared she is, and I reply that I still am, and we know that together, along with our other mommy friends, we can make it through.

It is because of these women, and to an equal degree my non-mommy friends, the ones that braved my baby shower and cooed over the new screeching bundle, while shuddering as I explained (in FAR more detail than necessary) EXACTLY what happens to your vagina after childbirth, but still called me to go out for drinks to remind me that I am Amy first, and mommy second, that I am still keeping it together.

For the rest of you mommies out there, and those that will be one day, cherish the mommy friends you have, their wisdom and experience is not something "What to Expect" will contain, and if you don't have any, join a group, get some numbers, e-mail me (ductapequeen@hotmail.com) because I'm telling you, these women will be your life line, you will come to love them like sisters, I know I do.