Why is Mommy Kissing Girls?

This is not my usual blog fodder as you may well notice after about 3 seconds of reading it. I am applying for a blogging job for a queer parenting column and this is my writing sample. I figure, lets kill some birds with some stones and post it here too. If you have anything particularly nasty to say about it, please don't, I'm sensitive.  And as a bonus, a picture of Pinkone!

When it comes to explaining sexuality to children, our own children in particular, it is never going to be comfortable and the choice to simply not deal with these people again is just available to us.  As a later in life queer identified parent, how does one traverse the ever treacherous terrain of coming out to their own children? Every conversation should be tailored to the individual child and family situation, but there are a few universal truths that exist for all of us attempting this particular endeavor.

 Be Discreet

Keep your conversation fact based, and without physical specifics. There is not a child in existence that wants to know the particulars of their parent’s sexual predilections. If there are questions asked, you have the right to tell them that the specifics of your sexual experiences are none of their business but (if you feel comfortable) you can give them a broad overview of the mechanics.

 Model

A common mistake is making a bigger deal out of heavy conversations than needed to. If a kid sees that you are acting guilty, secretive (unless secretive is warranted, in which case explain this to the child) or treating your sexuality as anything less than perfectly valid, they will do the same. Children look to their parents to model behavior and reaction. If we are proud and matter of fact about our sexuality and lifestyle, our children will see that there is simply nothing to be ashamed of and will react similarly.

 Give them Choices-to a degree

They don’t get to choose whether or not we act on our sexuality, it doesn’t work that way, but they can have some choices as to how much they know and who they tell. Kids care about how these changes affect them, so giving them a choice allows them to feel more a part of the decision making process and less helpless in the face of great change. Dad is queer, and that is how it’s going to be, but the kids have the choice as to whether or not they want to tell people in their social spheres about it. Be clear that you are not ashamed and you don’t want them to be either, but it is within their control who, and when they tell about their family situation.

 Answer their questions, all of them.

Answer the questions they ask. If the 5 year old asks her father whether this means he will now be wearing dresses instead of slacks, he should explain his fashion preferences honestly. Some questions will be completely out of the blue, others will be thoughtful and intelligent. The questions will continue to come over the years and will get harder as they get older. All we can do as parents is continue to be honest, give them choices, and answer the questions to the best of our abilities. It is also always okay to say “I just don’t know”.

 Coming out to kids is  emotional and difficult for a parent. The great thing about kids though, they are incredibly resilient. Ultimately, our kids want happy, consistent parents that put their needs first. Coming out may rock the boat a bit, but as parents we are still the anchors. Showing our children that regardless of this new information, we are the same loving, secure and stable forces we have always been will do more to ease the transition than any amount of rational conversation and brand name electronic bribery ever could.