I.DON'T.WANNA!

I've decided, I'm done with this grown up nonsense. Paying bills, making reasonably priced healthy meals, doing laundry, it's all bullshit and I quit. Vulcan and I have spent the last hour attempting fiscal responsiblity by making various charts and graphs to track how much money comes in, and how much goes out. All I really know is that my happiness to talking about money ratio is completely out of whack.

As you can see, my desire to discuss financial matters today is only .005 of the whole regarding my desire to do pretty much anything else, as illustrated by chart (1) above.

According to Vulcan's charts, I should have around $500 a month with which to buy groceries, put gas in my car, and to compulsively buy silly knick knacks that I can not live without at the grocery store (that secrets of the zodiac love sign combination candy bar and squirt gun is still the best purchase i've ever made) So here is what I would like to know, where the HELL is that $500 bucks?  This payday in particular I am racing about trying to make sure the latest of the late bills are paid and calculating just how much milk should go in each bowl of cereal so we don't run out before the food stamps come in. (That's right dad, we're suckin' off the government teet, you must be turning over in your republican grave.)

If I think about it, I'm fairly sure I can tell you exactly where that $500 bucks a month has gone.

1) My lungs and the lungs of my friends.



Yes, I know that smoking is bad and wrong and gross and disgusting...but I love it so much. I look so cool and rebellious, like James Dean. It's an instant conversation starter. "Can I bum a smoke? Oooh menthol, really? Ugh I need to quit..." all fantastic ways to meet new people and influence others. At nearly $9.00 a pack here in the land of the free and about 5 to 6 packs a week, there's nearly $200 bucks a month right there.

2) Eating above my means

I LOVE going out to dinner and cooking and ordering in...I love all of those food related endeavors. We get about $2oo a month in food stamps which gets us meat and veggies and rice and other staples of living. But, when you have a hankering for salmon risotto on a Thursday afternoon, and you don't currently have chicken stock, white wine, chanterelle mushrooms and heavy cream, not to mention rissotto rice...well it adds up. What better way to celebrate a small victory, like cleaning out the car than buying pizza for your nearest and dearest? Why WOULDN'T I spend $40 on dinner out when I could make mac-n-cheese? What has Mac-n-cheese ever done for me? Red Robin entertains me with their various kitschy objects adorning the walls and pleasant college age staff covered in flair. So, if i do this even three times a month, there's another $150 bucks.

Those two issue pretty much say it all don't they? The last $150 a month goes to things like pull ups (for an incredibly stubborn 5-year-old who shouldn't need them please note) dog food, dish soap, tampons and toilet paper. All completely legitimate expenses, unlike the other two which are purely detrimental to the health and well-being of myself and my wallet.

See what I mean? were I NOT an adult, I could say: Fuck it. I'm going to wipe my ass with rolled up newspaper and buy a pack of smokes instead. Fuck it. bills-shmills I'm taking a road trip to Canada right now. Fuck it. Who really needs tampons anyway? Okay, maybe that one I would continue to procure, but I might do it by knocking over a tampon machine instead of paying $4 a box. 

I know realistically that grown up land is the place to be, that my kid, vulcan and I will be just fine if we cut back on the smoking and family chain restaurants, but it still makes me want to stamp my food, jut out my lower lip and throw a pinkone style tantrum of epic proportions. I NEVER get anything I want. I NEVER get to have any fun.

FUCK YOU GROWN UP LAND !