I have been trying for around a week to make 10 minutes of free time to talk to one of my best friends who is currently living in Montana, much to far for my taste. We are both terribly needy, particularly in the way of Mommy Friend Commiseration time, and we just haven't been able to make time for each other, or in the same vein, ourselves.
A prime example of this is that at this very moment, the pink one is in the bath, thinking that I can escape to the den for a moment, I start to type out the fifth blog I have started, but have been unable to finish this week, and call my lonely friend. Not two minutes into catching up on her week of sick babies and what not, I hear from the bathtub "MOOOOOOM I'M FALLIN' ASLEEP!" which is Lily for, I want out of the bathtub and I don't want you to wash my hair. And now, I have to save this draft because she won't stop yelling, and the groans and demands from the bathroom have become to loud to ignore. Rising reluctantly from the chair I hand up the phone with Rachel, and her now screaming baby, hoping to find 10 minutes to finish both the blog, and conversation, later.
This concept of “Me Time” I keep hearing about is completely foreign to a married, working mother, and according to Rachel, also to a single working mother, and I’m sure its pretty foreign to any of us that don’t have live in help and a bank account to accommodate the occasional spa day.
Our days are spent in a mad dash, waking up, washing, dressing, all in preparation for work and school. Evenings are no better, arriving home just before dinner time, nap already taken, food must be prepared, laundry done, house picked up, activities to attend, and then its bath, bed for pink one, and hour at most of must see TV with the husband, and then off to bed myself, not really time for a home pedicure.
According to all of the mommy mags that I read, or, try to ready anyway, taking time for yourself is very important and the only way to avoid “Mommy Burn Out”, the dread disease sweeping the nation resulting in bleary eyed mothers wearing mismatched clothes forgetting to eat and quoting Dora the Explorer in board meetings. This is something I have found myself expressing symptoms of, acctually calling my boss “Swiper” last week when he tried to borrow my stapler, luckily, he doesn’t have kids so he just thought I was being silly.
But, the only “Me Time” remedy I have any hope of experiencing any time soon is quickly sneaking into the bathroom, hoping the lock on the door works, and hiding in there with a book I have already read four or five times, and more often than not, I get about 5 minutes before someone either bangs on the door asking where something is, or if I’m okay, or worse, bursts in demanding to “tell me sumpin ”, and for those of you who have read about my bathroom fears, you know how uncomfortable this can make me.
It feels like the only chance for “Me Time” lately is to share it with someone else, and selfishly, I don’t want to. At night, if I want to retire to the den and just write, IM or stare mindlessly at various websites, I get the guilt trip from husband or daughter for not spending time with them. I’m not holding up my share of the household chores, (as if) or she needs me to sing two songs and one story before she can go to bed, or its her turn to play the cake game on the computer and she is going to stand there and stare at me until I relent, whatever it is, I’m just not allowed to sit quietly, by myself, during the week and its not fair.
The weekends are just as bad, I am a firm beliver in doing fun family oriented things during the day, and trying to have "We Time" in the evenings because we so rarely have that fun time during the week. I see Lily and the husband grown further apart becuase of all the yelling that takes place Monday through Friday and I want the weekends to be a reprieve from that while they can. With the days of sports games and dance classes looming, I know that relaxed family weekends are a fleeting moment in time.
Occasionally we will have one of those days that I acctually end up being able to do nothing all day, and when it happens, I have such guilt about doing nothing that I don’t do it again for another couple of months and start over scheduling and over planning our weekends all over again. A mommy can’t let herself win I guess.
When can I fit it all in, the gym, the home cooked meal, the loving bedtime song and story with a kiss good night, and despite it all, there are magically still several hourse left in the evenings with which to snuggle my husband, catch all the great September sweeps, talk to my friends on the phone, finish my blog, and prepare all of the lunches and outfits for the next day. All this and to still be able to retire at a reasonable hour so that I may rise again the next day, able to make it all happen.
When is that magic hour, that time where the planets align and all of the chores are done, the child is asleep and the husband is occupied so that I can focus on something I want to do, instead of cramming it between dinner and bed time or typing secretively from my cubicle? What is the happy balance between "We Time" and "Me Time"?
Does anyone have any suggestions for this one? How do you unwind, find time to relax, or at the very least, return phone calls, and combat the dreaded “Mommy Burn Out?”
And if your answer is having a husband that will give up video games most nights and let you hide, that just isn’t going to happen at my house.
4 comments:
I'm probably not going to say anything you don't know BUT here it is anyway. It sounds like your husband gets me time. All relationships are about balance. Most of us are familiar with the idea that it has to be 50/50 each person putting in their fair share. My only advice is to force your husband to step up to the plate. If that means putting the kid in his lap, setting your cell phone on the counter, picking up your car keys, and walking out the door then so be it. It sounds like you are assuming 80% of the responsibility of something it took equal portions of you to create. You can't wait for me time you have to create it.
There rarely is any sweetie, try three kids in soccer, softball Camp Fire, band, Sunday School, etc..... You just do the best you can and hope they grow up and be happy. then you can relax a bit and focus a little attention on yourself once in awhile. Hope they give you grandbabies to play with when you get tired of that.
Mom
I think fireplay81 (is that Wes?) is onto something here. Lily and Steve need some one on one bonding time just as much as you need me time. He should be able and willing to do this for at least 1-2 hours a week. I've heard from other friends in similar situations that they are reluctant to ask their husbands for more help for fear of being labeled a "nag". The fact is, it's not going to occur to the husbands to offer (true of sooo many things when it comes to the menfolk), but they will most likely do it if specifically asked to do so. Hard as it may be, you have to learn to ask for what you need. This is something you need to do for your own sanity, as well as for the sake of their bond.
PS: please continue to make time for your blog posts - I have been highly entertained : )
Awww... I totally feel your pain. As a single mom, the only time I grab some "me time" is when she is asleep. Which means I'm up for hours just sitting and enjoying the blogs, or reading, or whatever. Which also leads to sleep deprivation the next day. So, really... I can't win.
I have no advice to you... except to say that you are not alone. And yes, definatley as for what you need from your husband. Mommy burn out is no fun!
Michele
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