The Horror of a Shared Bathroom

I am a neurotic mess. Anyone who knows me in the least capacity can attest to that fact. Toenails freak me out, i hate floppy socks, dirty nails, Jeff Goldblum, ducks, anything eyeball related,and guys on unicycles make me furious. I don't know where all of these issues stem from, probably some deeply buried childhood trauma I'm sure, but I have yet to unearth my "root" if you will, and so continue to live in a world where something new appears to either frighten, gross out, or irritate me everyday.

My latest issue is a little bit more crippling however. So long as the toenails are covered and the floppy socks are encased safely in shoes and I avoid lakes and Jeff Goldblum movies, I am usually able to function relatively well in the everyday world. This latest issue however, has become somewhat difficult to control. Working in a public place with several dozen people sharing one three stalled bathroom has lead me to a whole new horizon of neurosis i didn't even know i had.

It isn't the germs that bother me, on the contrary, germs have never freaked me out, I'm quite good with disgusting tasks that most people would shirk at, I like to believe that my immunities are better because of it resulting in fewer sick days used for myself. No, this latest problem is much more difficult to cover up. I am afraid of people hearing me go to the bathroom.

Get your laughs out now. I know, its weird, few people care, hardly anyone listens to others bathroom forays, and yet, I am physically unable to go when there is someone in the stall next to me, even in a real emergency, I clam up, unable to go until I am sure the bathroom is clear of all potential listeners.

Yesterday at work i went in to utilize the facilities when i was sure the last person had vacated and just as i began to settle in, turning a game on my IPOD and finally getting down to business. But then, the creak of the door signifying someone else coming in after me. Instantly i clenched up, my body fell into a state of shock and went into panic mode. The bathroom is dead silent, only the sound of the occasional throat clearing can be heard. She enters the stall next to me and, holding my breath I wait for her to finish. Silence.

"Just flush!" I psychically willed her to finish her business and be on her way, to allow me my moment of sanctuary. After a minute that drags on for days, I realize that this woman is going through a bought with the same neurosis I am fighting, together we are frozen in the crippling fear that is public bathroom panic.

We are in a stand off, well, a sit off. I'm silent, pretending I'm not here, hoping she'll give up and go away, she's silent, both of us, uncomfortable, for several reasons. But my will is strong. I will not have the awkward meeting at the sink, eyes meeting and quickly looking away, the worry of "am i not washing long enough? am i using too many paper towels? should I clean up the sink area, I didn't really make the mess," not today, I won't go back there, I won't do it again.

SUCCESS! After what feels like an eternity the woman gives, her resolve fades and I have conquered the public bathroom. Without a sound she quickly dresses, flushes the toilet and scurries out of the bathroom, waiting for me to leave I am sure.

photo pilfered from Team Sugar

I finish up and wash my hands, all in peace, rinse as long as i want, use all the paper towels i feel necessary and leave the mysterious puddle of water lingering on the sink. I feel strong, independent, not like the issue laden nut job I really am.

Returning to my cube I realize just how ridiculous I really am and resolve to chronicle my insanity in such a way that i might embarrass myself into abandoning these crippling troubles and moving on with my life, hence the blogging about bathroom phobias.

Anybody else have an irrational fear? either blog about it and track back to my blog, or leave it in a comment!