Santa-pa-looza

Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through the house
The Pinkone was running around like a twacked out lab mouse
The cookies she laid out in rapid succession
Hoping that eggnog would erase her latest transgression

The aunties and MiMi goaded her on
Loving her panic and her stressed cranky mom
She tracked Santa on NORAD and Google earth too
Having only an hour she knew what to do

When Shay Shay announced that Santa was near
Pinkone Jumped up, her eyes filled with fear
Away to the bedroom she flew like a flash
She gave hugs and kisses and a smack on the ass

Her eyes squeezed shut tight she asked me with fear
Mom, does Santa know I really tried to be good this year?
Pinkone, I said my heart growing full
Santa knows on the inside you have a good soul

But will a good soul get me my sled?
Oh shit thought mommy, I think I’m dead
For no mention of sleds had been whispered to me
And a whole different gift would be under the tree

Uh, Pinkone, I said attempting no stammer
What happens if Santa couldn’t make a sled with his hammer?
“Then I will be angry” she said with conviction
“so, nothing else will meet your predilection?”

“Nope, nothing” she said as she drifted to sleep
And mom uttered the F-bomb and began to weep
So off the to the Wal-mart she flew in a flash
with all other moms on the last minute dash

And there I did paw through bin after bin
Not a sled could be found much to my chagrin
A saleslady looked fearful as I approached in a panic
This Christmas was sinking like Leo in Titanic

I wandered on home my head hung with shame
This whole endeavor was incredibly lame
Santa had failed or so I freared
Would Pinkone give up and be naughty all year?

The next morning she rose, her eyes all a twinkle
The bells on her jammies lightly did jingle
She walked down the stairs, her sled she looked for
she peeked round the fireplace, the bathroom and door



 When no sled she did spy her face it did fall
Until she saw presents stacked high up the wall
“Are those all for ME?” She asked with shock on her face
“Mom there are presents all OVER the place!”

She smiled wide and looked directly at me
“Santa did know, he really did see”
“I tried to be good and he saw my soul
I worked super hard and I reached my goal”

So sled or no sled, Pinkone was happy
Santa had listened and though her behavior was crappy
He saw that she’d tried and cut her some slack
and for the whole morning she gave me no flack

Pinkone was great and her Christmas was too
Mommy was stoked with no discipline to do
As she climbed in bed she hugged me tight
“Happy Christmas Mommy, and have a good-night!”



Dear Santa

Well, last posting we discussed how Mediocre Mama is dealing with Christmas and all the changes in her little life. This time, we will discuss The Pinkone and her particular challenges this holiday.

She is doing surprisingly well with not having Dude around this year. There was a brief crying drag surrounding the discovery of his stocking and me not putting it up with the rest of our stockings. Other than that, she's been in cookie eating, cheer making heaven.

The one dark spot in her parade of holiday joy is that ever-present, ever watchful, bearded voyeur, Santa.

Santa is causing Pinkone some major grief this year. Mommy is lucky enough to be a close, personal friend of Santa and she happens to have his number on speed dial.

Because Pinkone has had such a hard time this year with certain behavior related areas (NOT punching Jon in the stomach for eating the last cookie for instance) she is now living in fear that Santa will judge her harshly for her crimes.

The "Santa threat" has been used a couple of times to quelch bad behavior in the past. During a particularly challenging potty training episode, Santa gave a ring and talked to her about the importance of potty training and listening to Mommy. Pinkone replied to his call with awed silence and trepidation. She then begged me to send him the following photo:



Santa rewarded her effort with a plastic kitchen set and other pieces of molded plastic that have since gone missing. The Santa threat worked.

Fast forward to this year. There has been some punching, some yelling, the occasional terrorist threat to the pentagon, its time for Santa to get involved.

During our ever so festive tree decorating extravaganza not too long ago, there was a bit of a meltdown surrounding placement of particularly sentimental ornaments. Mommy wanted them placed sporadically around the tree in pleasing patterns, Pinkone wanted them all in a clump at the bottom of the tree where the dog could see them.

After 15 minutes of screaming, one bought of "I hate you!" and mommy vowing to cancel Christmas and take up being a Jehovah's Witness out of spite, the phone rang. It was "The Big Guy", who sounds strikingly like Jon on the phone. She took his call, nodding with a grave look on her face as he explained the ins and outs of the naughty list and how one may come to find herself on said list. She swore her allegience to him and her compliance to Mommy and promised she would never again demand to be supreme overlord of the gingerbread house.

Her behavior was somber and grim, but the tree was trimmed, and the evening continued without incident. Throughout the week, she would flare up, her temper rising and the pink hair turning red with fury. Coincidentally, each time that phone would ring her behavior would suddenly change for the better and all fury would diminish as she ran with a flash from the room. The choir of demons welling up behind her ceases and peace is once again restored to the land.

Jon asked her this morning if she would like to go and see a Santa Clause, a yearly tradition most children enjoy.

 Her response: "No freaking way!"  accompanied by running in to the next room.

When asked why she doesn't want to see Santa, Pinkone replied that she wasn't looking forward to explaining her behavior to him. We consoled her and said that Santa understands how hard it can be to behave sometimes, and that Santa is really just looking out for her best interests when watching her.

She pondered this for sometime, nodding along as we made out points. When asked once again if she would like to reconsider and go see Santa today, putting in her bid for a place on the nice list;

 Her response:  "nope, not going to risk it".